Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
sigh
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u