“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.