me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”