@osigat

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

@osigat

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

@osigat

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

@osigat

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

@osigat

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

@osigat

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

@osigat

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

@osigat

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

@osigat

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

@osigat

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.