My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym