@ozzyunc “OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
@ozzyunc If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
@ozzyunc Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
@ozzyunc I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
@ozzyunc Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
@ozzyunc I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
@ozzyunc Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
@ozzyunc Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
@ozzyunc For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
@ozzyunc Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.