@ozzyunc

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

@ozzyunc

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

@ozzyunc

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

@ozzyunc

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

@ozzyunc

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

@ozzyunc

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

@ozzyunc

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

@ozzyunc

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

@ozzyunc

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

@ozzyunc

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.