I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
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“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.