@panmidwest

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

@panmidwest

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

@panmidwest

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

@panmidwest

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

@panmidwest

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

@panmidwest

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

@panmidwest

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

@panmidwest

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell