@panmidwest [chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
@panmidwest mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
@panmidwest *pronounces carrot like tarot*
@panmidwest [self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
@panmidwest USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
@panmidwest ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
@panmidwest ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
@panmidwest [Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
@panmidwest [introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
@panmidwest FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell