“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets