@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

@panmidwest

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

@panmidwest

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

@panmidwest

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

@panmidwest

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

@panmidwest

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

@panmidwest

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

@panmidwest

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

@panmidwest

IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice

ME: I really don’t know what you want from me

@panmidwest

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets