Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
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You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I’m already scared
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.