The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now