If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married