If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.