As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
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male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
This rocks
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Aight bet
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches