You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.