“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.