“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
How do you call a meerkat?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.