Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.