When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon