@psybermonkey Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
@psybermonkey @psybermonkey God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
@psybermonkey [7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
@psybermonkey Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
@psybermonkey Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
@psybermonkey Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
@psybermonkey Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
@psybermonkey Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
@psybermonkey [Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
@psybermonkey Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs