@psybermonkey

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

@psybermonkey

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

@psybermonkey

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

@psybermonkey

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

@psybermonkey

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

@psybermonkey

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

@psybermonkey

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

@psybermonkey

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@psybermonkey

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

@psybermonkey

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs