[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
You had me at “define legal”.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.