i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
you stereotypes are all alike
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.