Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”