subtitles are so good nowadays
i did the math
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
classic mixup
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
finally
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not