tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
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Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
and this one
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
consequences, the bane of my existence
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story