Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”