a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden