Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with


Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm


Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars


[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry


6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no


Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa


Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not


[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders


Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!