Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce