Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.