cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most