@robdelaney

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

@robdelaney

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

@robdelaney

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

@robdelaney

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

@robdelaney

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

@robdelaney

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

@robdelaney

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

@robdelaney

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

@robdelaney

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

@robdelaney

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD