Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
had to make it
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?