@robin_991

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

@robin_991

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

@robin_991

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

@robin_991

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

@robin_991

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

@robin_991

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

@robin_991

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

@robin_991

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.