Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)