Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be