@rusty_coach

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

@rusty_coach

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

@rusty_coach

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

@rusty_coach

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

@rusty_coach

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

@rusty_coach

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

@rusty_coach

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

@rusty_coach

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

@rusty_coach

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

@rusty_coach

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order