I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call