You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no