@saltymermaident

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

@saltymermaident

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

@saltymermaident

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

@saltymermaident

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

@saltymermaident

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

@saltymermaident

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

@saltymermaident

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

@saltymermaident

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!