When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.