Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My dog ate my work from home.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!