Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.