Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.