on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.