Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.