I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?