@schumoo

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

@schumoo

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

@schumoo

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

@schumoo

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

@schumoo

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

@schumoo

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

@schumoo

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

@schumoo

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

@schumoo

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

@schumoo

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please