When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.