@seamusmckracken I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
@seamusmckracken 
@seamusmckracken Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
@seamusmckracken Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
@seamusmckracken Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
@seamusmckracken I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
@seamusmckracken The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
@seamusmckracken Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
@seamusmckracken Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
@seamusmckracken One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
@seamusmckracken If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.