@seamusmckracken

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

@seamusmckracken

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@seamusmckracken

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

@seamusmckracken

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

@seamusmckracken

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

@seamusmckracken

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story