I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.