I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.