Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.