James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
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*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.