Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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Can’t say anything honest or funny?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.