@shanethevein

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

@shanethevein

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@shanethevein

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

@shanethevein

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

@shanethevein

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

@shanethevein

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.